[13] Go Hug a Tree
In the middle of all these awful feelings, I would have done anything to feel better. The period was probably the busiest I had ever been in terms of trying new things. True to say a lot of them were things I clutched to in a desperate hope they would do some good, or that they could launch me out of this awfulness and in to something more bearable. In addition to walking more steps than I did the previous day, I adhered to all sorts of schemes and plans which promised to cure me in one way or another. Some were complete lunacy, like the time I read that dark chocolate can improve mood, and ate three bars of dark chocolate a day for a week. (No change in demeanour. More feeling sick).
I tried meditation. I’d never been anti-meditation, but neither
had I been an advocate. To tell you the truth I’d never really tried it, but I
was desperate, and I resolved to enter in to anything I tried with an open
mind.
Initially, the meditation was short chunks of time – five or
seven minutes of guided quiet-time, and I found pretty quickly that they were a
peaceful part of my day. The only peaceful part of my day really; the rest of
the time my mind felt so dark and my brain was spinning so fast there wasn’t a
moment to spare for anything else. Those precious few minutes became a secret
hideout for me, where I could stow myself away and none of the scary anxiety
monsters or fearmongers could find me.
Sometimes I would bring myself back in to the room after a
meditation period and feel the fear and sadness close in on me right away.
Quite often the thought of re-entering that world was unbearable and I would
reset the tape and do the exact same session again to stave off the evil.
Sometimes it worked, other times the evil had already set up camp in my brain
and trying again was futile.
A lot of the things I could have tried, and did try, were
quite stigmatic; things practiced by very odd looking people who still used
phrases like ‘groovy’, and ‘hip’. But I didn’t really care. I was going to try
them and give them my full energy in the hope of re-establishing some balance
in my life and maybe even a little freedom from the torment.
Meditation is one example of those things; if I’m honest, I
was guilty of some pre-conceived idea of what it would be and the kind of
people who practiced it. For me, the process of slowing down and noticing
things seemed to work, so I kept doing it with obsessive rigour. I suppose the
point I’m getting at is that I didn’t really care how wishy washy something
sounded, or what pre-conceived ideas I had about it, I did whatever I could to
make myself feel better.
Do whatever feels good. Do what makes you feel better. Try things. If hugging a tree makes you feel better; go hug a tree. If sprinting until you run out of breath makes you feel better; do that. If Jesus, Buddha, or the Prophet Mohammed works for you; talk to them. Shed any preconceived ideas you have about any faith, scheme or potion, and open your mind with the intention of learning about yourself and the world. Some potions will be nothing more than snake oil, some schemes nonsense, and some faiths unfulfilling. But something, something, will work for you, and you don’t have to resign yourself to the fearsome status quo because something seems a little too way out for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment